Image: EG Focus

7. Because it will get stolen
Tablet proportions are roughly the same as a wallet. Some people even keep them in a leather case so they even look like giant wallets. Wallets get stolen. Wallets are fairly hard to steal because they are normally in a pocket. Tablets apparently live on coffee shop tables. Easy pickings.

6. Using the camera is ridiculous
There will be an occasion where it is the only device you have on you that has a camera and at some point or another, you will be forced to use it.

Cameras on tablets confuse me. Great big lovely screens that have such a high definition that your eyes can’t actually distinguish between what is real or not – this leaves you trying to thrust your hand through the screen like it was a little window.

So, what are you going to be looking at mostly? Pixels, that’s what, from the 5 mega pixel camera. Along with the Great Wall of China, pixels that make up the iPads pictures are viewable from space.

5. Because everyone will want to play with it
Tablets are a bit like coffee table books. Both the same size, both sit happily on your coffee table – you might have a browse from time to time. Except that none of your friends really want to sit and read your anthology of poems from a street mime, or look at your limited edition photo book documenting the industrialisation of Russia. Oh, you have a tablet though, “do you mind if I..?” they say as they already start logging into Facebook. There goes the conversation.

4. Then everyone will ruin it
This will only come into play when you pick up your tablet way after your guest has left. All the auto-fill usernames and passwords that you had will now be gone. Do they know how annoying it is to have to log into every single service using a tablet keyboard? They were only around for ten minutes, why the urgent need to log into their Flickr, Deezer, Facebook, Twitter, Hotmail and Google accounts?

3. Because you will spend more money on coffee
When DVD players were first released it was a rite of passage for your first purchase to be the film Gladiator. I don’t know why, it just was. It seems with tablets, the rite of passage is to visit a local coffee shop at a frequency that would worry your GP. Tweeting about the amazing home-made carrot cake is optional.

2. Because it’s just not natural
‘Laptop’ – Now there’s a name which says “look at me I know my place, on your lap. Let’s get busy on that report partner”.

Tablet, how about you? No, I’m not going to swallow you, not that kind of tablet, I know, I’ll just awkwardly balance you on my knees! Anyone who says that using a tablet is comfortable is lying.

I suppose you could buy a tablet if you didn’t like folding and unfolding things. If you have a deep seated hatred of origami go for it.

1. It will break
When it goes wrong, you will look silly. You know Simon, from work? He helped you out when your hard drive started making weird noises? Well, if anything happens to your tablet, neither Simon nor any other IT support companies will be able to do much about it. Look at all the other employees having fun, frolicking around whilst Simon works his magic and gets their laptops back on the road again. You however are left with a shiny, shiny doorstop.

Did you want a shiny doorstop?

James Duval considers his ergonomic gaming keyboard to be an important sociological artefact for future generations. He is a proud geek who currently writes and blogs for Electronic Workplace.