I don’t know if I’m getting a case of the almost-mid-life grouchies, which a lot of my “friends” have been catching lately (especially those in my age bracket which is over 30)…but lately I find Facebook to be made of one newsfeed more annoying than the next. But, rather than give my FB friends the silent treatment (which I have been doing for a few weeks now) in a rebellious rebuttal to the grating screeches I hear every time I glance at the old FB, I figured I’d bring it to the drawing (ok, writing) board and work on a solution.

So, I’ve compiled a list of what I think are the most annoying things that people do or say on Facebook, in hopes that people will hear me out, amend their annoying FB ways and allow me – and lots of others, I presume – to enjoy FB like we used to in the good “old days” – when newsfeeds featured interesting stuff to read, funny statuses, creative pics, links to inspiring news stories…need I go on?

Potty Mouth – Your kids are cute. Really cute. But I got the picture 56 status updates ago, when you first told us that Junior finally peed in the toilet without having to aim for any Cheerios.  That… was… awesome, now shhhh! I’m glad he’s still got “aim”…I don’t need to hear about it on a regular basis.

Sorry, but the same goes for having to see every single picture that Sally scribbles, even that one does look like Miles Davis when you turn it upside down, squint really hard, and cover half of it with your left hand.

The Puzzling Facebooker – Did you know that there’s actually a word in the urban dictionary for posting vague Facebook statuses? Yep, it’s called vaguebooking. The exact definition: “An intentionally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help.” Allow me to extract some examples for you from my actual newsfeed that’s streaming towards me right now (names hidden to protect the annoying, that is):

“I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

“What goes around comes around”

“I’ll never do that again.”

“Goodbye, Facebook.”

C’mon now. Do I even have to explain how annoying this is? And did you know that when I see updates like this, I purposely “unfollow” them – and on that note, so do most people? Honestly. So, save yourself, and stop it.

Check-in After Check-in After Check-in – This one gets a little complicated. Because yes, it’s pretty cool to follow a lot of my friends making their way around the world, especially during the summer when adventures can get pretty funky. But here’s a peeve, particularly for my fellow New Yorkers (and those around the country stationed in equally bar-chocked cities can follow suit): Unless you are planning on revamping and launching your own Zagat guide in the near future, I really don’t need to be kept posted on all six bars you hit in a single night…and the vegan diner you spent the next morning at slurping down “hangover curing” wheatgrass-and-beet (or whatever) smoothies…and the flea market you stumbled into a little later, still drunk – followed by ten Instagram pics of your new girlfriend in the made-of-recycled-something hat that you just bought her). It’s about quality, not quantity, folks! 

You’re SO vain: I honestly cannot believe how many times some of my friends change their profile pic. Seriously, kids, what is UP with this? I thought I was fairly self-obsessed (and I am). But there are a few people out there who change their profile shot so often (I’m talking like ten times a week), I am beginning to really feel bad for them. Especially those of you who post yourself in the exact same pose – same expression (or lack of), same zoolander-lips, same slightly protruding bust (or rear) –  but in a different mirror. Oh – and newsflash: if you turn your camera around, we don’t have to see what version iPhone you have in all of your shots – it’ll be all you, baby.

Third-person Status Updates – Simply put, nobody does this anymore – you shouldn’t either.

Otherwise-Known-As – I don’t even know how to go about explaining this one, because I don’t know what the heck it means. I have a handful of friends who, every now and then, actually change their names – with no explanation of why, or what the new name means, or whether they are hiding from the law or just feel like turning the hipster dial up a notch, or what have you. The point is, if you are not going to add a disclaimer to your cryptic name-change, don’t do it. Unless you really are hiding from the law. Then you can inbox me. I dig it.

Question My Love for My Children or Family – Examples include: “Re-post this status if you love your son”, or “Cut and paste this post if you would die for your daughter”, or “Only some of you will re-post this message, and those that do it really do love their mothers.” Take it from me: my kids understand the notion of how much I love them when I do things like: a) spend the afternoon school-clothes shopping for them b) research their favorite recipes or b) pick up freelancing gigs in order to make save some cash for our weekends together – NOT because I have spent three hours cutting and pasting Facebook status updates.

…and I don’t need to post it on Facebook to let the world know!

Thanks for listening, and hey, no hard feelings, right? Believe me, we’ve all made mistakes, and the rising of the planet social network has certainly made it a lot easier for most of us to publicize our blunders. So let’s work together to lessen the risk of the tech world from becoming a total jaded abyss. Together we can do it! Friends?

Janice Bevilacqua tries her best to write interesting articles on interesting topics, without ticking anyone off – or being annoying. So far, she is doing alright and has found a niche scribbling mostly on tech-related issues. She is currently an avid contributor for the popular extended warranty retailer, CPS.